Monday, November 9, 2009


And God said, let there be light: and his Planetary Mainframe crashed sighting that something a little more subtle would favor The Almighty's future creations. "ERROR!" The screen flashed, "you do realize what you're doing right?" said the computer with a smirk. How one gets a computer to smirk is anyone's guess, but it had a point; afterall the Lord had made a couple of mistakes predating his mandate for the creation of light.

For instance, creating his Planetary Mainframe and coffee brewer first before inventing electricity, figuring out wiring, voltage, and creating the paradox formula for electric acquisition (the exchange of coloured paper, printed and produced by electronic devices, powered by electric generators which are powered by the same exchange process, in exchange for electricity).

"lrdcmd/what/will/do/it/then/?" typed the Almighty's finger's into the console. The device seized and it's screen fizzled and would remain so for the next five days... unless God had invented the power button which explains why the Earth and other planets rotate and orbit the sun, instead of the original idea of shutting the sun off every 24 earth hours.

By the 6th day, after God had gone ahead with the creation of beasts, man, plants, carbon monoxide, mosquitoes and other creations he created without the mainframe's council, God said: "Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the...." *beep* The mainframe came back online. it's screen flashed it's reply which took five days to tabulate: "SOUND"

The Lord frowned and looked down upon his creations and realized that none of them had heard anything. The caterpillars had gone on to devour the plants instead of devouring the African Bullfrog (a preempted attempt to rid the world of their existence). The Dinosaurs had already developed nuclear technology but taking after the Lord's habit of missing steps, wiped themselves out with a single nuclear detonation having invented nuclear cores without reactors to house them. Two of his human subjects had consumed "the forbidden fruit"(another divine mistake and were thus, exiled from The Garden of Eden after God had invented sound.)

It was quite sometime later, when the Lord sent his son down to apologize on his behalf having accepted that it wasn't really their fault the ate an apple. Amazingly, the human race had prospered much since He last checked, and had been using sound for quite sometime now. The humans were humbled by the Lord's efforts and decided to relay a message back to the Almighty bearing a many great thanks and a list of requests on how Earth could be more improved. However, such were the mistakes of man, that this attempt was doomed to failure when the Romans decided to pin Jesus to a giant wooden antenna (a tool that they have been using for divine communication research); needless to say, he died and that made the Lord very, very cross.

*The rest of this chapter has been removed by The Catholic Church on the pretense that the content is indeed inaccurate. It was "SENSE", not "SOUND" which the Lord had divinely planned to mistakenly forget.*


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